Select Page


“You can’t pray a lie.”

—Huck Finn

Some unconfirmed facts about Miami, taken straight from my brain.

1.  Suntanned officers conduct police business on jet skis.

2.  Wealthy Cubans fled there to wait out the communist revolution. They are still waiting, perhaps no longer wealthy. Al Pacino is not a Cuban.

3.  The Miami Dolphins once had to hire a detective to save the life of their cherished mascot, a dolphin. The dolphin was kidnapped. The status of the franchise has never recovered.

4. Dade County is a great place for forensic reality shows. Lots of dead bodies in colorful clothes. Traces of crystal meth on battered flip-flops.

5. South Beach hotels are full of New Yorkers who wake up early to stake their spots by the pool. But not as early as the sandy-faced drunks having sex on the boardwalk beyond the gate. Those folks have been up all night. Does that count as getting up early?

5. Miami has a large wild snake population. Big snakes, former pets, non-native. Like pythons, for example. They live under porches, and in gutters alongside the alligators. I haven’t heard anything about chimpanzees running wild there, or biting off anyone’s face. Though there was a face-biting incident, involving a vagrant man under a bridge.