I was disappointed, unsettled, and even ashamed that my curiosity and research around emotional entities led me to L. Ron Hubbard. L Ron Hubbard, for those who don’t know, is the founder of Scientology. Like Charles Manson, he is dead. Or more accurately, he has “left his body.” But unlike Charles Manson, Hubbard’s cult lives on and has bought up a shit-ton of real estate in…
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(just a reminder that i am making myself the subject of this experiment. i therefore speak as a fictional character, the subject “elizabeth.” and also, i am reporting all this as the scientist in the white coat, Dr.T.) What did I do? Scrambled for connection and validation Was constantly guessing… is this love or is this hate? Is he nice or mean? Seduced and begged…
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i “live tweeted” macbeth next up: Othello tweets: goal. identify feelings. looking at shakespeare as a template for the reporting of human emotion. the theory i am playing with has to do with feelings as entities that are evolving. that feelings are not unlike viruses or bacteria. and stories, literature, movies. these things are human feelings trying to understand themselves. through their human hosts. how…
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“re-examine all you have been told in school or church or in any book, and dismiss whatever insults your own soul” walt whitman here’s a feeling i was struggling with this week.. i felt bullied by a woman… bullied by a woman… bullied by a woman….(echo echo echo) not a new feeling for me, not unfamiliar this woman was in a position to mentor or…
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In the past, I distracted myself… or tormented myself…enslaved myself? with the fantasy, illusion, delusion, obsession that I could get other people to do for me what me what I could only do for myself. … the simple gift of paying attention to my feelings, showing up for my deep self, and offering love and validation to myself. Simple, not easy. In fact, the…
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I’ve been reading, or trying to read, this collection of lectures by the physicist Richard Feynman. theoretical physicists spend a lot of time making things up. they test these ideas later to see if their theories actually hold. this is the way experimenting works in science. Feynman made a lot of shit up and some of it turned out to be true. obviously the leaders…
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today i am starting, officially or unofficially, my new writing experience. i just finished printing another final final final final final revision of the novel i have been working on for the last, gulp, six years. gosh maybe seven years? i don’t have the balls to confirm the exact date i started but ….a long ass time ago. this other project has been brewing in…
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“The hard sphere,” declared the British physicist, Sir James Jeans, “has always a definite position in space; the electron apparently has not. A hard sphere takes up a very definite amount of room, an electron—well, it is probably as meaningless to discuss how much room an electron takes up as it is to discuss how much room a fear, an anxiety, or an uncertainty takes…
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We’re working with ideas and theories that have built up like rock and sand, mountain and steppe over millions of years. We’re dealing with the evolution of ideas, emotions, and attitudes. The question is: how much can one person affect their own development in a world of fixed ideas and strict labeling? This is love, for example. Either get with it or give up…
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notes on fear, fight or flight maybe I turned against myself (hypothalamus stimulates action) maybe the selfishness and self-seeking have been a form of isolation (pituitary gland releases hormones) did I back down as soon as there was conflict? (adrenal glands release epinephrine so your heart contracts, beats more strongly, beats faster) was i operating as an island? (blood pressure rises) often have trouble identifying…
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I don’t know how much of the evil in the world I should blame myself for. Blame leads to shame, which is a non-doing state of mind.
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Reading is first and foremost non-reading.
There’s time. And then there isn’t.