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i was a jerk to myself until now

 

In the past, I distracted myself… or tormented myself…enslaved myself? with the fantasy, illusion, delusion, obsession that I could get other people to do for me what me what I could only do for myself. … the simple gift of paying attention to my feelings, showing up for my deep self, and offering love and validation to myself.

Simple, not easy. In fact, the difficulty level is “maybe impossible”

Many spiritual teachers pay lip service to self love. Think Louise Hay, Mirror Work. (Look in the mirror and say “I love myself.”) Presto! Good luck with that. But maybe it will work for you!

(this video clip is such a delicious artifact of the 80s. the hair, the glasses, the pastels, and mostly and forevermore, the SYNTHS)

This idea that it was dangerous (VERY DANGEROUS?) to depend too much on one person for my happiness… and furthermore, when a love object (romantic partner, friend, family member, stuffed animal or dessert item) conspired to let me get strung out on our connection, or even subtly or not so subtly encouraged and nurtured my emotional dependency, there was probably a payoff for that person (or dessert item.)

Here’s a theory about this payoff: that person sucks psychic juice from my emotional pain (rage, sadness, confusion, desire, worry, envy, relational emotions).

This payoff process is maybe how the EMOTIONAL ENTITIES act as parasites to our feelings. But do our feelings feed them?…. Haha I know. Sci Fi. This writing experiment may be sci fi and that’s okay. I love and approve of myself.

Science-fiction mixed with self-help … I was googlin’ around in this “hybrid genre” and ended up on a book by L Ron Hubbard. Oops! I know literally nothing about the teachings of Scientology. I hope I have not inadvertently stumbled into it. Do they teach that emotions are entities? I’m scared to look. but I will have to, I think.

Also is there no such thing as safety? Random question but… is there?

BLACK HOLES: human relationships as arenas where the emotional entities both express and explore themselves

The self love, self care, and self compassion I abandoned or avoided in the chase, in trying to wrestle security from another person… maybe safety is only available from and within ourselves… it’s still there waiting for me. Fricking thing never goes away, the soul. If I can’t give validation to myself how the hell can I expect to get it from another person? Or give it for that matter.

For example, I want to love my daughter and validate her so much that it transfers onto her…
“If you could only see yourself the way I see you!”… that doesn’t work, sadly.

observe the inner-world trash that volcanoes out of the feeling “I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH”

I refused, and I mean absolutely refused, to offer kindness and compassion to myself. Not all the time obviously but a lot of the time and also, perhaps subconsciously.

By the way, I am writing all of this in the past tense as an exercise in positive thinking. I “used” to beat myself up UNTIL NOW (in this very moment, right as I am writing this.) Also I am using the first person (I did this, I did that, I felt that) because I am allergic to preachy, annoying writers who use we, or you, and say what you should or shouldn’t do.
“we absolutely refused to love ourselves…. we must learn to love ourselves.”
Fuck off.

UNTIL NOW*, I beat myself up.

“your entry into the awesomeness of the present moment will be through what we call a psychological process. this process is a process of identity shift, a process through which balance is restored in your awareness of two realities. Through it, you begin to realize you are not the form you animate, but the force of animation itself.”*
— The Starseed Transmissions: An Extraterrestrial Report

* O boy! a channeled report from an Extraterrestrial. Hello, L Ron Hubbard.
* I learned the Until Now technique from Judy Tergis, my teacher at a school called Psychic Horizons in San Francisco.

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