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The snore-activated nudging pillow
The only heated outdoor cat shelter
The iPhone-controlled lightbulb
The briefcase fitness center
the tear-free onion glasses
the full bottle wine glass
the best nose-hair trimmer
the world’s brightest vanity mirror
the personal oxygen bar

Products in the Hammacher Schlemmer Catalog
* pictured above: the power-nap head pillow

This little drum was cheap. It’s just a snare with a shoulder harness. You strap it on, then you can walk and drum at the same time. Like a kid at the front of a civil war parade who leads the old men into battle. The kid who gets blown to bits by a cannonball. (Only once though).

Drum drum. Rat-a-tat-tat.
Left right left.

Get up, get scared, go to work.
Show up. Show up. Don’t slow down.

Your iPhone pocket-called me the other day.
You were walking.
I could hear your legs moving.
I was in your pants, after all, with the phone.
Swip swip. Swip swip. Swip swip.
Very rhythmic. Soothing.

I listened in for a while. I was hoping for a scrap of inappropriate conversation.
I like to overhear things that hurt me.
I got nothing.
Just legs.
You were just going somewhere.